Menopause Hasn’t Made You Selfish

There is a part of menopause that many women struggle to talk about. It is not only the hot flushes, disrupted sleep or physical changes. It is the sudden feeling that you no longer want to keep looking after everyone in the way you always have.

You may still love your family deeply, but feel exhausted by the organising, remembering, reassuring, fixing and carrying of other people’s needs. Things you once managed without question may now feel overwhelming, irritating or unfair. You may find yourself thinking, “Why is this always left to me?” Then the guilt arrives, and you begin to wonder whether menopause has made you selfish, impatient or less nurturing.

Hormones do play a part. Oestrogen and progesterone influence mood, sleep, anxiety, stress tolerance and emotional regulation, while oxytocin is often described as a bonding or nurturing hormone. However, knowing that hormones are involved does not necessarily make the experience easier.

In many ways, it can feel as though women are suddenly thrust into a new version of life without being prepared for it. Their body has changed, their emotional tolerance may be different, and the way they relate to pressure, responsibility and other people can change too. Yet the expectations around them often remain exactly the same.

They are still expected to organise, care, remember, support and keep everyone else comfortable, even though something inside them is saying, “I cannot keep doing this in the same way.”

Many women reach menopause after years of feeling responsible for everyone around them. They may have spent decades caring for children, supporting a partner, managing a home, working, helping ageing parents and being the person who notices what everyone else needs. They are often the emotional organiser as well as the practical one, carrying worries, smoothing over conflict and making sure everyone else is okay.

Over time, this can create a deep sense of overwhelm. When you are constantly needed but rarely asked how you are coping, resentment can begin to build. If your efforts are expected rather than appreciated, you may start to feel invisible, taken for granted or deeply underappreciated.

Many women continue pushing these feelings aside because they believe they should be patient, grateful and capable. They tell themselves they should cope better, should not complain or should simply get on with it. However, the body still feels the pressure, even when it is not spoken about.

After years of carrying too much, the nervous system can become increasingly sensitive. You may find it harder to switch off, rest properly or feel that you are ever truly off duty. Your mind may remain alert to what needs doing next, what could go wrong or who might need you.

This can show up as anxiety, irritability, poor sleep, racing thoughts, tightness in the chest, nausea, digestive changes or a constant feeling that everything is too much. A simple request can feel like another weight being added. Someone else’s disappointment can feel like something you must immediately fix, even when it is not your responsibility.

Menopause may reduce your ability to keep absorbing this pressure in the way you once did. This does not mean the hormones have created every problem. Sometimes they simply remove the buffer that allowed you to ignore what was already unfair, exhausting or unsustainable.

That is when many women begin to see their lives differently.

They may recognise how much they have been carrying, how often their needs have come last and how much guilt has kept them trapped in roles they no longer want. They may also realise that some of the anxiety they are experiencing is not only hormonal. It is connected to years of feeling overwhelmed, responsible and underappreciated.

This creates a difficult cycle. You feel overwhelmed, then guilty for feeling overwhelmed. You continue doing too much to reduce the guilt, which leaves you even more exhausted and resentful. Eventually, the smallest demand can trigger a much bigger emotional or physical response because it is connected to years of carrying more than your share.

There is an important difference between caring for someone and carrying them. Caring allows love, support and connection while recognising that other adults are responsible for their own feelings, choices and tasks. Carrying means feeling responsible for keeping everybody comfortable, preventing every conflict and solving every problem, often at the expense of your own wellbeing.

Stepping back can feel frightening when being needed has formed such a large part of your identity. You may worry that people will see you as difficult, cold or selfish. You may also discover that some people resist your boundaries because they benefited from you having none.

However, guilt does not always mean you are doing something wrong. Sometimes it simply means you are doing something differently.

Cognitive behavioural hypnotherapy can help women understand the connection between their thoughts, nervous-system responses, emotions and physical symptoms. It can help challenge long-held beliefs such as, “I have to keep everyone happy,” “It is easier if I do it,” or, “I am responsible for how other people feel.”

It can also support the body in responding more calmly when new boundaries are introduced, so that saying no does not automatically feel dangerous, cruel or selfish.

The aim is not to make you tolerate more or become endlessly accommodating again. It is to help you understand what has changed, recognise what is no longer working and begin creating a life that includes your needs too.

Perhaps menopause has not made you less nurturing. Perhaps it has simply made it harder to keep giving from a place of exhaustion, guilt and resentment.

You have not stopped caring. You may simply be ready to stop carrying everyone alone.

You Do Not Have to Keep Carrying It Alone

If this feels familiar, The Life That Fits Pathway is designed for women over 40 who feel anxious, guilty, emotionally exhausted or disconnected from themselves after years of caring for everyone else.

Through one-to-one CBT, hypnotherapy, self-compassion and nervous-system support, we can explore what has been keeping you overwhelmed, help you respond differently to guilt and pressure, and begin rebuilding a life that includes your needs too.

You do not need to know exactly what needs to change before you begin. You may simply know that the way you have been living no longer feels right.

Read more about it here:  The Life That Fits